"like a child" - jars of clay

Dear God, surround me as I speak,
the bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear
Dear God, don't let me fall apart,
you've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

[Chorus:]

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing into the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
with faith like a child

Sometimes, when I feel miles away
and my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness
I walked in light of you

[Chorus]

[Little girl:]
"I've got joy like a fountain!"
"Be kind one to others"
"In Jesus Christ Your son"

They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
with faith like a child

~~~~~~~~~~~

I thought I understood what this song meant when I first heard it. And now I realize that I was dead wrong. Of course, the first time I heard the album, I was around 17 or 18, I loved it right away.

I never really go to mass on a regular basis. I'm born a catholic but not really a "practicing" one. I go about my life like most people I know. I do a lot of mistakes, I hurt people along the way, and I get hurt, too. At a young age, I learned
to be strong because people around me weren't. At a young age, I learned to know the difference between talking and doing. I've learned that no one can really take care of me but me.

And I lived that life. People viewed me the strong type. Ambitious, yes. Determined, that's also a yes. It seems the only way to cover how empty I felt inside was to put up a front that I am living a good life. To some degree, this is true. I have proven for a fact that I can do anything I put my mind and heart into...and that's not boasting, but stating a matter of fact. It has to be known that where I am right now (if people might actually call it living a good life, then I'll let them have their way), I did not get here overnight. I did not just woke up and had a good job (by definition, something I enjoy doing). I wasn't born with true friends either (I had them around after numerous misunderstandings, hurts, and countless acceptance and forgiveness). And this passion I have for writing, for telling my life just the way it is -- I'm not really sure I know where its coming from. Its probably my way of learning to cope wth all the feelings of hurt and disappointments I've gathered all these years -- but not only that, but also the appreciation, happiness and peace I've picked up along the way. I remember reading somewhere that "having to explain your life is tragic". I strongly disagree with that.

Words will always be my colors. Writing, my brush. And I will paint the pictures as I felt them at that precise moment. And I won't be scared to show the world that that's who I really am. I run the risk of being misunderstood, that's a given.
I run that risk even if I do the opposite, so what's there to be scared of?

Last night, I went to mass (not that shocking, really. or should it be?) I go to mass not because I'm in great trouble that I need to ask for God's help. I go to mass not out of christian obligation. I go to mass whenever I feel that my heart is ready to be there and to really listen...and to really understand.

And the moment I stepped in the church perimeter, tears started to fall down. And I felt so weak and tired. And I felt really ready to be there.

The priest said a lot during the sermon. Some things I agreed with, some things I totally disagree with. Yet, I was there to listen, so that's what I did. He said people need to be "like a child" to fully understand God and His ways. People need to see him as a real "father" and put their utmost trust in Him. Children, he said, until a certain age, remain to have no personalities (I disagree with this). And he said that children do put their full trust, without question or doubt, to their parents (this, I agree with). And he said people need to be like children with God. We need to be empty vessels for Him to fill.

So I'll try my best to trust and have faith...and not just merely claiming to have one. At one point, I couldn't stop the tears from falling that the two kids sitting beside me were wondering what the hell was wrong with me...but then I smiled thru the tears and I guess, they just found me weird and decided to not mind me at all (which worked for me, having nothing, not even a hanky to minimize the impact). But like I said, "like a child", I'll try to put my faith and trust again. I was at some point ashamed of myself..of who I have become. I was asking forgiveness for thinking I own my life. It dawned on me that I don't. I have every right to enjoy my life, to find my happiness but not to claim what I have as my own.

I have a dear friend who's been bruised and battered and has simply gone weary of the path I am just now wishing to take one step at a time. All I wish for is that she won't have to feel so weary any longer. I hope to find her regaining her faith. And I pray that I also find mine.

Help Per Click..the Goodtree

Guys,

I'm using GoodTree as my homepage. Just by using it to click around the Internet, I'm supporting causes I care about.

Give it a try. Click here.

Im so Busy

I’m so busy
Busy with the world
That doesn’t give a damn
Busy with things
That I don’t really care about
I’m so busy trying to keep myself busy
You see, I have nothing else on mind
All I think about is you
All I hear is your laugh

Your laugh that seems
to fill my heart with
emotions I’m still
learning to contain

before it burst out of its cage,
I want to feel every sensation
But I can’t

Coz I’m so busy

Trying to keep myself busy ---

Hoping somehow that you’ll miss me.

(2002)

Silence

Lord, please guide me today ...

That I may think before I speak -
That I may laugh only out of joy -
That I may take criticisms productively and do my best to change -
That I may avoid to procrastinate -
That I may avoid to think of the numerous might-have-beens -
That I may find the inner peace and be happy -
That I may smile at people who try to put me down -
That I may be able to help a lost soul, a low spirit or those that
are feeling so alone just by being there, by being me -

I ask that I may find enough goodness out of life and share it with others.

Meant To Be Alone

I remember the first film of the trilogy, “lord of the rings”. I watched it with my two guy buddies. That was in Megamall, if I remember it correctly.

Now I sit in front of this near-to-collapsing, secondhand laptop with its monitor detached from the body. And I am staring at my still empty corkboard except for pictures and memorabilia from my last trip in Visayas. I need to write my term paper (hmmm, that sounded a bit nostalgic of my college days) or should I say industry study on software development here in the Philippines. I have my outline with me and yet my Muse seems to be off somewhere…having a blast, I hope not THAT MUCH, or I fear that that would mean she won’t come back for a while. I cannot by any means afford that. This paper is long overdue and with the term coming to an end in less than a month, I need to get my act together or else…hmmm, I wouldn’t want to mention that now. Because that would mean I’m actually acknowledging the possibility that it can happen…hehe =)

Now, back to the “lord of the rings”. “You are the Ring-bearer, Frodo...to bear a Ring of Power is to be alone”, that’s what it says in the card of the lotr cardgame (did I say that right? Sheesh =). Now I wonder and try to remember why I have that card in the first place. Yes, there was the premiere night but I’m not sure if that card was personally handed over to me at the counter or given by one of my buddies. Nevertheless, it raises one’s curiosity, or perhaps just mine, to get such a thought-provoking card. Meant to be Alone. No. 1 card. A boat and a picture of Elijah single-handedly pushing the boat towards the river…to cross to the other side. Now in the movie, Sam comes along, even to the point of drowning just to prove to Frodo that "I made a promise, Mr. Frodo, a promise: 'Don't you lose him Samwise Gamgee', and I don't mean to. I don't mean to." I wonder what would happen if Sam did drown. Would Frodo continue with the journey? What do you think?

But perhaps little details such as this do not compare to the enormity of the entire 3 parts of the movie…but it does leave one into thinking what-if? A lot would probably say that Frodo wouldn’t have been able to resist himself and would succumb to the power of the Ring without the ever-dependable Samwise Gamgee. Some would even wonder who would have been able to save Frodo from the giant spider…or carry him up the mountains?

The brave or the destined is not always that strong. Those who seem powerful are not always able to make it on their own. Every kind of strength is fueled by a weakness each of us hopes to overcome. Every obstacle is just another rope around our neck…cutting the air and in the process teaching our lungs to adjust… to take in more air next time…to expand a little more…to know our own limitations.

Or sometimes, just to get used to it.

Oh, here she is. Just in time. My muse is telling me enough of mindless writing. Its time to write about the boring stuff! =P *wink*

Coffee

you said, ‘black, no sugar’
as I sat there wondering
was it me or your coffee?
i waited for your words
but you mocked me with your silence
with your hand on the cup
holding it dearly . . .
the way you hadn’t held me at all . . .

i tried to look you straight in the eye
but you bowed down for another sip
is it hot? did it burn?
the way your cold gaze burns a hole in me
do you want me here at all?
or should I leave . . .
. . . leave you with your coffee and
your dreams . . .
of what you want . . .
and what i’m not
. . . and what I can’t give
you’re running out of coffee . . .

good.

i better leave.


April 2001

(Arizona, illustration by david lupton)

the untamed

"You're lovely, but you're empty," he went on. "One couldn't die for you. Of course an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose, all on her own, is more important than you altogether, since she's the one I've watered. Since she's the one I put under glass. Since she's the one I sheltered behind a screen. Since she's the one for whom I killed the caterpillars (except for two or three for butterflies). Since's she the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she's my rose."

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince

hate.

you came like a breeze. a soft, mellow hum of the breeze. and the feel of its warmth on my skin is breathtaking. the reality that i exist suddenly became obvious.

but at the end of the day...as the afternoon sun eventually finds itself wanting to rest and lie down...the darkness is more than what i grew up used to...

i find it strange that the months don't feel like months at all...
they feel like dreams..and im not quite sure they happened. and im quite not sure YOU happened at all...

and each day, i struggle to find myself again. and each day i try to bring myself near a fire...just to feel the warmth again. but it burns. and i'm scarred all over.

and you don't care...

and i lit a candle the other day for reasons i don't know. and i bought plants today, probably to signify life...something that i can't signify anymore.

and i cry every single second. and i bleed every single hour. and i smile as often as i can to make the whole world believe that i am still the same person. rather, that im still a person at all.

and you don't care...

i hate myself. i hate myself so much that the word "hate" is starting to have a life of its own. and its eating me...inch by inch.

and still you don't care...

if i die tomorrow...will you cry? if you knew that you took more than you should from me, would it have made you think twice?

i'm not so sure i would still care to know the answer to that. i'm just waiting for the time to come when i won't have to feel anything anymore. a sweet surrender...

and then, you will cease to matter to me at all...


(illustration by david lupton)