"like a child" - jars of clay

Dear God, surround me as I speak,
the bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear
Dear God, don't let me fall apart,
you've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

[Chorus:]

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing into the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
with faith like a child

Sometimes, when I feel miles away
and my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness
I walked in light of you

[Chorus]

[Little girl:]
"I've got joy like a fountain!"
"Be kind one to others"
"In Jesus Christ Your son"

They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
with faith like a child

~~~~~~~~~~~

I thought I understood what this song meant when I first heard it. And now I realize that I was dead wrong. Of course, the first time I heard the album, I was around 17 or 18, I loved it right away.

I never really go to mass on a regular basis. I'm born a catholic but not really a "practicing" one. I go about my life like most people I know. I do a lot of mistakes, I hurt people along the way, and I get hurt, too. At a young age, I learned
to be strong because people around me weren't. At a young age, I learned to know the difference between talking and doing. I've learned that no one can really take care of me but me.

And I lived that life. People viewed me the strong type. Ambitious, yes. Determined, that's also a yes. It seems the only way to cover how empty I felt inside was to put up a front that I am living a good life. To some degree, this is true. I have proven for a fact that I can do anything I put my mind and heart into...and that's not boasting, but stating a matter of fact. It has to be known that where I am right now (if people might actually call it living a good life, then I'll let them have their way), I did not get here overnight. I did not just woke up and had a good job (by definition, something I enjoy doing). I wasn't born with true friends either (I had them around after numerous misunderstandings, hurts, and countless acceptance and forgiveness). And this passion I have for writing, for telling my life just the way it is -- I'm not really sure I know where its coming from. Its probably my way of learning to cope wth all the feelings of hurt and disappointments I've gathered all these years -- but not only that, but also the appreciation, happiness and peace I've picked up along the way. I remember reading somewhere that "having to explain your life is tragic". I strongly disagree with that.

Words will always be my colors. Writing, my brush. And I will paint the pictures as I felt them at that precise moment. And I won't be scared to show the world that that's who I really am. I run the risk of being misunderstood, that's a given.
I run that risk even if I do the opposite, so what's there to be scared of?

Last night, I went to mass (not that shocking, really. or should it be?) I go to mass not because I'm in great trouble that I need to ask for God's help. I go to mass not out of christian obligation. I go to mass whenever I feel that my heart is ready to be there and to really listen...and to really understand.

And the moment I stepped in the church perimeter, tears started to fall down. And I felt so weak and tired. And I felt really ready to be there.

The priest said a lot during the sermon. Some things I agreed with, some things I totally disagree with. Yet, I was there to listen, so that's what I did. He said people need to be "like a child" to fully understand God and His ways. People need to see him as a real "father" and put their utmost trust in Him. Children, he said, until a certain age, remain to have no personalities (I disagree with this). And he said that children do put their full trust, without question or doubt, to their parents (this, I agree with). And he said people need to be like children with God. We need to be empty vessels for Him to fill.

So I'll try my best to trust and have faith...and not just merely claiming to have one. At one point, I couldn't stop the tears from falling that the two kids sitting beside me were wondering what the hell was wrong with me...but then I smiled thru the tears and I guess, they just found me weird and decided to not mind me at all (which worked for me, having nothing, not even a hanky to minimize the impact). But like I said, "like a child", I'll try to put my faith and trust again. I was at some point ashamed of myself..of who I have become. I was asking forgiveness for thinking I own my life. It dawned on me that I don't. I have every right to enjoy my life, to find my happiness but not to claim what I have as my own.

I have a dear friend who's been bruised and battered and has simply gone weary of the path I am just now wishing to take one step at a time. All I wish for is that she won't have to feel so weary any longer. I hope to find her regaining her faith. And I pray that I also find mine.