the pain of losing "that someone" is not like a wound that would cause you pain for a while, and after proper cleaning and with proper medicine, would heal and either leave a memory like a scar or none at all. no, the pain of losing "that someone" is like discovering you have cancer.
when you find out that its over - that's when you find out that you do have cancer. its painful but for some reason, the tears, though they continually flow from your eyes -- they have no bodies, nor souls. like drops of rain, they flow . no feeling or in some cases, with a very little feeling of dread. not quite sure how to take the news -- you somehow feel that you'll wake up tomorrow and it will all be a dream. that you do not have cancer. that you didn't just lose him.
then the pain starts to get to you -- physically, mentally and emotionally. it paralyses your entire body. the pain when it comes -- and it comes unannounced, throws you off-balance, down to the floor with your hands over that part that hurts the most -- the heart. you desperately try to breathe through the pain. slowly --- you are able to stand up, regain composure and wipe out any tear that took its own liberty to fall. you sleep soundly. only to be awaken again by the same pain. every single day, the same things happen to you. over and over and over again.
and then you take enough courage and decide to subject yourself to the cure. the daily check-ups, the chemotherapy sessions. the busy schedules you plan ahead for yourself to keep you busy. to drown the misery and to feel numb. just like chemo where you kill fast-growing cancer cells in your body. you have to endure the side effects of the cure. you have the occasional bouts of losing it -- of nausea and vomiting -- all similar side effects of a broken heart. the will to live is slowly ebbing from your being. with each hair loss, with each vomit -- you wish to remove from your being memories of him, of him with you -- of those moments that used to define for you the possibility of forever. you want to drain your body of all that is him and all that you are when you were with him.
its a daily battle. your body is weak but your will continually fights it off, proving that hey, you are okay. and for that moment -- you become okay. until it strikes you again. until it brings you down to the floor once again -- in great pain -- only this time the pain is nothing like you've ever known before. and you curse the gods, and you curse the medicines, the doctors. you curse the pain on every inch of you body. and you cry -- with all your being. with your own body. with your own soul. you cry about all the disappointments. you cry about the hope you once knew. you cry about the silence and how it used to calm you down as long as he's around. you cry about the dreams, the ambitions you had together. the plans you made. you cry about everything and how it turned to nothing. you cry. and yet, its never enough. Pain is sadistic -- once you get to know her, she's not going away. She will tear you down to pieces till you no longer know who you are. Pain, with a smile, will linger with you every second, till you feel that there's no point in fighting -- desolation. you find yourself wanting to quit -- to give it all up.
you don't know yourself anymore, until you take the dive....
Monday, July 17, 2006
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
OST - My Life
1. leader of the band - dan fogelberg
this still brings tears to my eyes. i used to be a papa's girl. where that girl had gone to now -- i really don't know. i wish to meet her again one day. like they say -- "things you don't know won't hurt you"
2. she - green day
imagine being 15...the questions, the rebellion, the seemingly tight portrayals of what a teenage girl should be --- from elmo backpacks to winnie the pooh shirts -- my head was screaming for release. and then i heard this song from green day's first album "dookie" (which by the way is the best album of green day in my book!) -- BOOM!!! finally, something to calm my nerves ha ha. it also helped that the crush of my life happen to love the same band... which reminds me he hasn't return my cassette tape yet (yes, jurassic times!)..and it's been about ten years already!!! you, jerk!!! (just kidding) hehehe
3. flowers - rivermaya
the pseudo-suicidal tendencies of my teens ...
"nobody answers all her questions,
so she gazes at the skies -
maybe some day when she's all grown up
she'll join them in their lies
and just before she turns away
she crafts a little smile
saying, ' i will take these flowers to the sky'
'someday, i will take these flowers to the sky"
4. if - rivermaya
hmm, another rivermaya song (did i mention that they're my greatest fave local band -- can't believe it's been more than 10 years, guys! being able to experience "dekada" with you and hundreds of other maya fans in araneta was the best way to cap a very meaningful ten years of your music..keep it up!).
this was the very first song i learned to play with my guitar. im a hopeless romantic (isn't it obvious? hehehe) and i'm still looking for someone to sing this song to...with me attempting a decent play with the guitar -- sort of "harana". now, wouldn't that be nice???
5. counting blue cars - dishwalla
6. heart to heart - kenny loggins
a perfect christmas gift...my first break-up (come to think of it -- my break-ups seem to always fall on a holiday, this one christmas -- the other one, my birthday, of all days!). no words to describe this one except --- $#^@!!! but hey, everyone learns. i think i did...i think. =)
7. stay - lisa loeb
the story of my life. do i really need to elaborate??? =P
8. i like for you to be still - pablo neruda, read by glenn close
9. if you forget me - pablo neruda, read by madonna
"everything carries me to you.."
"well now, if little by little, you stopped loving me
i shall stop loving you, little by little
if suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for i shall already have forgotten you."
10. tonight i can write the saddest lines - pablo neruda, read by andy garcia
"i no longer love her, that's for certain, but maybe i love her
love is so short, forgetting is so long.
because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her."
11. someone to watch over me - ella fitzgerald
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." - mr. holland's opus
felt a very strong attachment to the movie and the song. ok, the movie is about a high school music teacher/composer (richard dreyfuss) who for so many years have tried to create his own symphony. frustrated with his creation -- or the lack of it, having a deaf son to whom he can't share his passion for music with and the unexpected temptation in the form of a very young girl student who worships him to the point of him almost ruining his marriage and close to leaving his wife to guide the younger gal in pursuit of her hollywood dreams --- he grew old never realising that those people whose lives he had touched over the years are in fact his own symphony -- his own great "opus".
about the song -- well, i grew up fast. so fast that i've forgotten how it feels to be taken cared of -- to be "watched over". what delight would it bring to feel once more a careless child with the security of a father or a mother or anyone for that matter, walking behind me as i try to take that first step -- with their hands ready always to catch me if i fall?
12. power of two - indigo girls
in my case, "power of three"..leleinah and daria hehehe. the two great people in my life who keeps me balanced - strong yet weak, determined yet doubtful, and uptight yet carefree -- "emotional thinkers". they are always everywhere and nowhere at the same time. we live far apart and close enough to provide space for each other to grow. we've had our trying times -- but the spirit is stronger than any obstacles and in the
end we find ourselves still in sync -- by freaks of nature, by coincidence or plain destiny -- who knows, really?
13. galileo - indigo girls
14. ghost - indigo girls
this is definitely NOT "just another love song". whew!!! this one's heart-wrenching if you listen close enough. speaks the words most can only feel in their hearts and can't seem to find a way to verbalize. amazing how it accurately paints the picture of desolation. but i'm over the guy now...after 8 years hehehe...better late than never.
15. you don't know me - jann arden
now, thanks to "my bestfriend's wedding" -- my illusion of spending the rest of my life with my bestfriend has been blown to pieces -- and i thank the heavens that happened. otherwise, i would have appeared like a lost puppy always looking for its master all my life. illusions -- sometimes they're good, sometimes they're very, very bad.
16. people are people - d'sound
17. tattooed on my mind - d'sound
okay, a room full of more than 10 people. my nerves are wrecked. my voice, all the more. but i managed to finish the song. thanks to a buddy who unexpectedly called me up the stage to sing the song with them -- unprepared!!! and what's worse -- acoustic!!! yes, a disaster -- a very good disaster -- but disaster, nonetheless! ha ha ha at least i can laugh about it now.
18. fall for you - shanice
finding love again..or so i thought. the year is 2005. they say the best way to say how you feel is through a song. the melody, like the beating of the heart, brings life to the words. eventhough we've gone our separate ways...this one will remain in the heart forever. forgive my being cheesy, but hey, everyone needs to be cheesy once in a while -- don't you think? =P
19. blackbird - sarah mclachlan, ost "i am sam"
"blackbird singing in the dead of night,
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise"
20. if i keep my heart out of sight - james taylor
21. fix you - coldplay
i wish you can always down a medicine for every ache that comes to you
22. sa kanya - ogie alcasid original; revival by MYMP
23. all you need is love - OST love actually
its always good to hear a chorus sing. its like a thousand minds agreeing to one thought (now that's a rarity nowadays). plus the slightly upbeat tune make it all the more fascinating to hear. need something to perk you up -- to make you believe once more...try to listen to this one. its worth it.
24. both sides now - joni mitchell, OST love actually
as much as i want to explain what this song evokes in me everytime i hear it -- i fear that the words won't justify the sad magic it brings. let it bring out from you an emotion you can call your own.
this still brings tears to my eyes. i used to be a papa's girl. where that girl had gone to now -- i really don't know. i wish to meet her again one day. like they say -- "things you don't know won't hurt you"
2. she - green day
imagine being 15...the questions, the rebellion, the seemingly tight portrayals of what a teenage girl should be --- from elmo backpacks to winnie the pooh shirts -- my head was screaming for release. and then i heard this song from green day's first album "dookie" (which by the way is the best album of green day in my book!) -- BOOM!!! finally, something to calm my nerves ha ha. it also helped that the crush of my life happen to love the same band... which reminds me he hasn't return my cassette tape yet (yes, jurassic times!)..and it's been about ten years already!!! you, jerk!!! (just kidding) hehehe
3. flowers - rivermaya
the pseudo-suicidal tendencies of my teens ...
"nobody answers all her questions,
so she gazes at the skies -
maybe some day when she's all grown up
she'll join them in their lies
and just before she turns away
she crafts a little smile
saying, ' i will take these flowers to the sky'
'someday, i will take these flowers to the sky"
4. if - rivermaya
hmm, another rivermaya song (did i mention that they're my greatest fave local band -- can't believe it's been more than 10 years, guys! being able to experience "dekada" with you and hundreds of other maya fans in araneta was the best way to cap a very meaningful ten years of your music..keep it up!).
this was the very first song i learned to play with my guitar. im a hopeless romantic (isn't it obvious? hehehe) and i'm still looking for someone to sing this song to...with me attempting a decent play with the guitar -- sort of "harana". now, wouldn't that be nice???
5. counting blue cars - dishwalla
6. heart to heart - kenny loggins
a perfect christmas gift...my first break-up (come to think of it -- my break-ups seem to always fall on a holiday, this one christmas -- the other one, my birthday, of all days!). no words to describe this one except --- $#^@!!! but hey, everyone learns. i think i did...i think. =)
7. stay - lisa loeb
the story of my life. do i really need to elaborate??? =P
8. i like for you to be still - pablo neruda, read by glenn close
9. if you forget me - pablo neruda, read by madonna
"everything carries me to you.."
"well now, if little by little, you stopped loving me
i shall stop loving you, little by little
if suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for i shall already have forgotten you."
10. tonight i can write the saddest lines - pablo neruda, read by andy garcia
"i no longer love her, that's for certain, but maybe i love her
love is so short, forgetting is so long.
because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her."
11. someone to watch over me - ella fitzgerald
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." - mr. holland's opus
felt a very strong attachment to the movie and the song. ok, the movie is about a high school music teacher/composer (richard dreyfuss) who for so many years have tried to create his own symphony. frustrated with his creation -- or the lack of it, having a deaf son to whom he can't share his passion for music with and the unexpected temptation in the form of a very young girl student who worships him to the point of him almost ruining his marriage and close to leaving his wife to guide the younger gal in pursuit of her hollywood dreams --- he grew old never realising that those people whose lives he had touched over the years are in fact his own symphony -- his own great "opus".
about the song -- well, i grew up fast. so fast that i've forgotten how it feels to be taken cared of -- to be "watched over". what delight would it bring to feel once more a careless child with the security of a father or a mother or anyone for that matter, walking behind me as i try to take that first step -- with their hands ready always to catch me if i fall?
12. power of two - indigo girls
in my case, "power of three"..leleinah and daria hehehe. the two great people in my life who keeps me balanced - strong yet weak, determined yet doubtful, and uptight yet carefree -- "emotional thinkers". they are always everywhere and nowhere at the same time. we live far apart and close enough to provide space for each other to grow. we've had our trying times -- but the spirit is stronger than any obstacles and in the
end we find ourselves still in sync -- by freaks of nature, by coincidence or plain destiny -- who knows, really?
13. galileo - indigo girls
14. ghost - indigo girls
this is definitely NOT "just another love song". whew!!! this one's heart-wrenching if you listen close enough. speaks the words most can only feel in their hearts and can't seem to find a way to verbalize. amazing how it accurately paints the picture of desolation. but i'm over the guy now...after 8 years hehehe...better late than never.
15. you don't know me - jann arden
now, thanks to "my bestfriend's wedding" -- my illusion of spending the rest of my life with my bestfriend has been blown to pieces -- and i thank the heavens that happened. otherwise, i would have appeared like a lost puppy always looking for its master all my life. illusions -- sometimes they're good, sometimes they're very, very bad.
16. people are people - d'sound
17. tattooed on my mind - d'sound
okay, a room full of more than 10 people. my nerves are wrecked. my voice, all the more. but i managed to finish the song. thanks to a buddy who unexpectedly called me up the stage to sing the song with them -- unprepared!!! and what's worse -- acoustic!!! yes, a disaster -- a very good disaster -- but disaster, nonetheless! ha ha ha at least i can laugh about it now.
18. fall for you - shanice
finding love again..or so i thought. the year is 2005. they say the best way to say how you feel is through a song. the melody, like the beating of the heart, brings life to the words. eventhough we've gone our separate ways...this one will remain in the heart forever. forgive my being cheesy, but hey, everyone needs to be cheesy once in a while -- don't you think? =P
19. blackbird - sarah mclachlan, ost "i am sam"
"blackbird singing in the dead of night,
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise"
20. if i keep my heart out of sight - james taylor
21. fix you - coldplay
i wish you can always down a medicine for every ache that comes to you
22. sa kanya - ogie alcasid original; revival by MYMP
23. all you need is love - OST love actually
its always good to hear a chorus sing. its like a thousand minds agreeing to one thought (now that's a rarity nowadays). plus the slightly upbeat tune make it all the more fascinating to hear. need something to perk you up -- to make you believe once more...try to listen to this one. its worth it.
24. both sides now - joni mitchell, OST love actually
as much as i want to explain what this song evokes in me everytime i hear it -- i fear that the words won't justify the sad magic it brings. let it bring out from you an emotion you can call your own.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Bleed
"teach me how to bleed..."
gunned-down, battered...
i see my lifeless image on the floor
beaten, bloodied and cold,
a stranger to who i once were before
i recognize not my face nor my hands
in the twisted silence i can hear the screams
but never really sure if that's me, if they're mine--
more than ever...
"teach me how to fear..."
hold my cold, cold hands..
feel the shiver course through your veins...
feel the dread of nothingness creep up your face
let it flow --- through your limbs, through your being
feel the dread of tomorrow never coming.
"teach me how not to feel..."
hold my hand, wake me up from oblivion...
look into the depths of my eyes
what do you see? the sunken dark clouds...
covering a much darker place
not a clue, not a hint --- just the feeling of
endless nothing....
"and i see you, and i feel you,
and i fear ever knowing your touch once more;
and then i bleed. sans blood."
07.10.2006
gunned-down, battered...
i see my lifeless image on the floor
beaten, bloodied and cold,
a stranger to who i once were before
i recognize not my face nor my hands
in the twisted silence i can hear the screams
but never really sure if that's me, if they're mine--
more than ever...
"teach me how to fear..."
hold my cold, cold hands..
feel the shiver course through your veins...
feel the dread of nothingness creep up your face
let it flow --- through your limbs, through your being
feel the dread of tomorrow never coming.
"teach me how not to feel..."
hold my hand, wake me up from oblivion...
look into the depths of my eyes
what do you see? the sunken dark clouds...
covering a much darker place
not a clue, not a hint --- just the feeling of
endless nothing....
"and i see you, and i feel you,
and i fear ever knowing your touch once more;
and then i bleed. sans blood."
07.10.2006
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