the untamed

"You're lovely, but you're empty," he went on. "One couldn't die for you. Of course an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose, all on her own, is more important than you altogether, since she's the one I've watered. Since she's the one I put under glass. Since she's the one I sheltered behind a screen. Since she's the one for whom I killed the caterpillars (except for two or three for butterflies). Since's she the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she's my rose."

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince

hate.

you came like a breeze. a soft, mellow hum of the breeze. and the feel of its warmth on my skin is breathtaking. the reality that i exist suddenly became obvious.

but at the end of the day...as the afternoon sun eventually finds itself wanting to rest and lie down...the darkness is more than what i grew up used to...

i find it strange that the months don't feel like months at all...
they feel like dreams..and im not quite sure they happened. and im quite not sure YOU happened at all...

and each day, i struggle to find myself again. and each day i try to bring myself near a fire...just to feel the warmth again. but it burns. and i'm scarred all over.

and you don't care...

and i lit a candle the other day for reasons i don't know. and i bought plants today, probably to signify life...something that i can't signify anymore.

and i cry every single second. and i bleed every single hour. and i smile as often as i can to make the whole world believe that i am still the same person. rather, that im still a person at all.

and you don't care...

i hate myself. i hate myself so much that the word "hate" is starting to have a life of its own. and its eating me...inch by inch.

and still you don't care...

if i die tomorrow...will you cry? if you knew that you took more than you should from me, would it have made you think twice?

i'm not so sure i would still care to know the answer to that. i'm just waiting for the time to come when i won't have to feel anything anymore. a sweet surrender...

and then, you will cease to matter to me at all...


(illustration by david lupton)

a time for cancer

the pain of losing "that someone" is not like a wound that would cause you pain for a while, and after proper cleaning and with proper medicine, would heal and either leave a memory like a scar or none at all. no, the pain of losing "that someone" is like discovering you have cancer.

when you find out that its over - that's when you find out that you do have cancer. its painful but for some reason, the tears, though they continually flow from your eyes -- they have no bodies, nor souls. like drops of rain, they flow . no feeling or in some cases, with a very little feeling of dread. not quite sure how to take the news -- you somehow feel that you'll wake up tomorrow and it will all be a dream. that you do not have cancer. that you didn't just lose him.

then the pain starts to get to you -- physically, mentally and emotionally. it paralyses your entire body. the pain when it comes -- and it comes unannounced, throws you off-balance, down to the floor with your hands over that part that hurts the most -- the heart. you desperately try to breathe through the pain. slowly --- you are able to stand up, regain composure and wipe out any tear that took its own liberty to fall. you sleep soundly. only to be awaken again by the same pain. every single day, the same things happen to you. over and over and over again.

and then you take enough courage and decide to subject yourself to the cure. the daily check-ups, the chemotherapy sessions. the busy schedules you plan ahead for yourself to keep you busy. to drown the misery and to feel numb. just like chemo where you kill fast-growing cancer cells in your body. you have to endure the side effects of the cure. you have the occasional bouts of losing it -- of nausea and vomiting -- all similar side effects of a broken heart. the will to live is slowly ebbing from your being. with each hair loss, with each vomit -- you wish to remove from your being memories of him, of him with you -- of those moments that used to define for you the possibility of forever. you want to drain your body of all that is him and all that you are when you were with him.

its a daily battle. your body is weak but your will continually fights it off, proving that hey, you are okay. and for that moment -- you become okay. until it strikes you again. until it brings you down to the floor once again -- in great pain -- only this time the pain is nothing like you've ever known before. and you curse the gods, and you curse the medicines, the doctors. you curse the pain on every inch of you body. and you cry -- with all your being. with your own body. with your own soul. you cry about all the disappointments. you cry about the hope you once knew. you cry about the silence and how it used to calm you down as long as he's around. you cry about the dreams, the ambitions you had together. the plans you made. you cry about everything and how it turned to nothing. you cry. and yet, its never enough. Pain is sadistic -- once you get to know her, she's not going away. She will tear you down to pieces till you no longer know who you are. Pain, with a smile, will linger with you every second, till you feel that there's no point in fighting -- desolation. you find yourself wanting to quit -- to give it all up.

you don't know yourself anymore, until you take the dive....

Bleed

"teach me how to bleed..."

gunned-down, battered...
i see my lifeless image on the floor
beaten, bloodied and cold,
a stranger to who i once were before
i recognize not my face nor my hands
in the twisted silence i can hear the screams
but never really sure if that's me, if they're mine--
more than ever...

"teach me how to fear..."

hold my cold, cold hands..
feel the shiver course through your veins...
feel the dread of nothingness creep up your face
let it flow --- through your limbs, through your being
feel the dread of tomorrow never coming.

"teach me how not to feel..."

hold my hand, wake me up from oblivion...
look into the depths of my eyes
what do you see? the sunken dark clouds...
covering a much darker place
not a clue, not a hint --- just the feeling of
endless nothing....

"and i see you, and i feel you,
and i fear ever knowing your touch once more;
and then i bleed. sans blood."

07.10.2006