hate.

you came like a breeze. a soft, mellow hum of the breeze. and the feel of its warmth on my skin is breathtaking. the reality that i exist suddenly became obvious.

but at the end of the day...as the afternoon sun eventually finds itself wanting to rest and lie down...the darkness is more than what i grew up used to...

i find it strange that the months don't feel like months at all...
they feel like dreams..and im not quite sure they happened. and im quite not sure YOU happened at all...

and each day, i struggle to find myself again. and each day i try to bring myself near a fire...just to feel the warmth again. but it burns. and i'm scarred all over.

and you don't care...

and i lit a candle the other day for reasons i don't know. and i bought plants today, probably to signify life...something that i can't signify anymore.

and i cry every single second. and i bleed every single hour. and i smile as often as i can to make the whole world believe that i am still the same person. rather, that im still a person at all.

and you don't care...

i hate myself. i hate myself so much that the word "hate" is starting to have a life of its own. and its eating me...inch by inch.

and still you don't care...

if i die tomorrow...will you cry? if you knew that you took more than you should from me, would it have made you think twice?

i'm not so sure i would still care to know the answer to that. i'm just waiting for the time to come when i won't have to feel anything anymore. a sweet surrender...

and then, you will cease to matter to me at all...


(illustration by david lupton)