"like a child" - jars of clay

Dear God, surround me as I speak,
the bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear
Dear God, don't let me fall apart,
you've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

[Chorus:]

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing into the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
with faith like a child

Sometimes, when I feel miles away
and my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness
I walked in light of you

[Chorus]

[Little girl:]
"I've got joy like a fountain!"
"Be kind one to others"
"In Jesus Christ Your son"

They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
with faith like a child

~~~~~~~~~~~

I thought I understood what this song meant when I first heard it. And now I realize that I was dead wrong. Of course, the first time I heard the album, I was around 17 or 18, I loved it right away.

I never really go to mass on a regular basis. I'm born a catholic but not really a "practicing" one. I go about my life like most people I know. I do a lot of mistakes, I hurt people along the way, and I get hurt, too. At a young age, I learned
to be strong because people around me weren't. At a young age, I learned to know the difference between talking and doing. I've learned that no one can really take care of me but me.

And I lived that life. People viewed me the strong type. Ambitious, yes. Determined, that's also a yes. It seems the only way to cover how empty I felt inside was to put up a front that I am living a good life. To some degree, this is true. I have proven for a fact that I can do anything I put my mind and heart into...and that's not boasting, but stating a matter of fact. It has to be known that where I am right now (if people might actually call it living a good life, then I'll let them have their way), I did not get here overnight. I did not just woke up and had a good job (by definition, something I enjoy doing). I wasn't born with true friends either (I had them around after numerous misunderstandings, hurts, and countless acceptance and forgiveness). And this passion I have for writing, for telling my life just the way it is -- I'm not really sure I know where its coming from. Its probably my way of learning to cope wth all the feelings of hurt and disappointments I've gathered all these years -- but not only that, but also the appreciation, happiness and peace I've picked up along the way. I remember reading somewhere that "having to explain your life is tragic". I strongly disagree with that.

Words will always be my colors. Writing, my brush. And I will paint the pictures as I felt them at that precise moment. And I won't be scared to show the world that that's who I really am. I run the risk of being misunderstood, that's a given.
I run that risk even if I do the opposite, so what's there to be scared of?

Last night, I went to mass (not that shocking, really. or should it be?) I go to mass not because I'm in great trouble that I need to ask for God's help. I go to mass not out of christian obligation. I go to mass whenever I feel that my heart is ready to be there and to really listen...and to really understand.

And the moment I stepped in the church perimeter, tears started to fall down. And I felt so weak and tired. And I felt really ready to be there.

The priest said a lot during the sermon. Some things I agreed with, some things I totally disagree with. Yet, I was there to listen, so that's what I did. He said people need to be "like a child" to fully understand God and His ways. People need to see him as a real "father" and put their utmost trust in Him. Children, he said, until a certain age, remain to have no personalities (I disagree with this). And he said that children do put their full trust, without question or doubt, to their parents (this, I agree with). And he said people need to be like children with God. We need to be empty vessels for Him to fill.

So I'll try my best to trust and have faith...and not just merely claiming to have one. At one point, I couldn't stop the tears from falling that the two kids sitting beside me were wondering what the hell was wrong with me...but then I smiled thru the tears and I guess, they just found me weird and decided to not mind me at all (which worked for me, having nothing, not even a hanky to minimize the impact). But like I said, "like a child", I'll try to put my faith and trust again. I was at some point ashamed of myself..of who I have become. I was asking forgiveness for thinking I own my life. It dawned on me that I don't. I have every right to enjoy my life, to find my happiness but not to claim what I have as my own.

I have a dear friend who's been bruised and battered and has simply gone weary of the path I am just now wishing to take one step at a time. All I wish for is that she won't have to feel so weary any longer. I hope to find her regaining her faith. And I pray that I also find mine.

Help Per Click..the Goodtree

Guys,

I'm using GoodTree as my homepage. Just by using it to click around the Internet, I'm supporting causes I care about.

Give it a try. Click here.

Im so Busy

I’m so busy
Busy with the world
That doesn’t give a damn
Busy with things
That I don’t really care about
I’m so busy trying to keep myself busy
You see, I have nothing else on mind
All I think about is you
All I hear is your laugh

Your laugh that seems
to fill my heart with
emotions I’m still
learning to contain

before it burst out of its cage,
I want to feel every sensation
But I can’t

Coz I’m so busy

Trying to keep myself busy ---

Hoping somehow that you’ll miss me.

(2002)

Silence

Lord, please guide me today ...

That I may think before I speak -
That I may laugh only out of joy -
That I may take criticisms productively and do my best to change -
That I may avoid to procrastinate -
That I may avoid to think of the numerous might-have-beens -
That I may find the inner peace and be happy -
That I may smile at people who try to put me down -
That I may be able to help a lost soul, a low spirit or those that
are feeling so alone just by being there, by being me -

I ask that I may find enough goodness out of life and share it with others.

Meant To Be Alone

I remember the first film of the trilogy, “lord of the rings”. I watched it with my two guy buddies. That was in Megamall, if I remember it correctly.

Now I sit in front of this near-to-collapsing, secondhand laptop with its monitor detached from the body. And I am staring at my still empty corkboard except for pictures and memorabilia from my last trip in Visayas. I need to write my term paper (hmmm, that sounded a bit nostalgic of my college days) or should I say industry study on software development here in the Philippines. I have my outline with me and yet my Muse seems to be off somewhere…having a blast, I hope not THAT MUCH, or I fear that that would mean she won’t come back for a while. I cannot by any means afford that. This paper is long overdue and with the term coming to an end in less than a month, I need to get my act together or else…hmmm, I wouldn’t want to mention that now. Because that would mean I’m actually acknowledging the possibility that it can happen…hehe =)

Now, back to the “lord of the rings”. “You are the Ring-bearer, Frodo...to bear a Ring of Power is to be alone”, that’s what it says in the card of the lotr cardgame (did I say that right? Sheesh =). Now I wonder and try to remember why I have that card in the first place. Yes, there was the premiere night but I’m not sure if that card was personally handed over to me at the counter or given by one of my buddies. Nevertheless, it raises one’s curiosity, or perhaps just mine, to get such a thought-provoking card. Meant to be Alone. No. 1 card. A boat and a picture of Elijah single-handedly pushing the boat towards the river…to cross to the other side. Now in the movie, Sam comes along, even to the point of drowning just to prove to Frodo that "I made a promise, Mr. Frodo, a promise: 'Don't you lose him Samwise Gamgee', and I don't mean to. I don't mean to." I wonder what would happen if Sam did drown. Would Frodo continue with the journey? What do you think?

But perhaps little details such as this do not compare to the enormity of the entire 3 parts of the movie…but it does leave one into thinking what-if? A lot would probably say that Frodo wouldn’t have been able to resist himself and would succumb to the power of the Ring without the ever-dependable Samwise Gamgee. Some would even wonder who would have been able to save Frodo from the giant spider…or carry him up the mountains?

The brave or the destined is not always that strong. Those who seem powerful are not always able to make it on their own. Every kind of strength is fueled by a weakness each of us hopes to overcome. Every obstacle is just another rope around our neck…cutting the air and in the process teaching our lungs to adjust… to take in more air next time…to expand a little more…to know our own limitations.

Or sometimes, just to get used to it.

Oh, here she is. Just in time. My muse is telling me enough of mindless writing. Its time to write about the boring stuff! =P *wink*

Coffee

you said, ‘black, no sugar’
as I sat there wondering
was it me or your coffee?
i waited for your words
but you mocked me with your silence
with your hand on the cup
holding it dearly . . .
the way you hadn’t held me at all . . .

i tried to look you straight in the eye
but you bowed down for another sip
is it hot? did it burn?
the way your cold gaze burns a hole in me
do you want me here at all?
or should I leave . . .
. . . leave you with your coffee and
your dreams . . .
of what you want . . .
and what i’m not
. . . and what I can’t give
you’re running out of coffee . . .

good.

i better leave.


April 2001

(Arizona, illustration by david lupton)

the untamed

"You're lovely, but you're empty," he went on. "One couldn't die for you. Of course an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose, all on her own, is more important than you altogether, since she's the one I've watered. Since she's the one I put under glass. Since she's the one I sheltered behind a screen. Since she's the one for whom I killed the caterpillars (except for two or three for butterflies). Since's she the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she's my rose."

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince

hate.

you came like a breeze. a soft, mellow hum of the breeze. and the feel of its warmth on my skin is breathtaking. the reality that i exist suddenly became obvious.

but at the end of the day...as the afternoon sun eventually finds itself wanting to rest and lie down...the darkness is more than what i grew up used to...

i find it strange that the months don't feel like months at all...
they feel like dreams..and im not quite sure they happened. and im quite not sure YOU happened at all...

and each day, i struggle to find myself again. and each day i try to bring myself near a fire...just to feel the warmth again. but it burns. and i'm scarred all over.

and you don't care...

and i lit a candle the other day for reasons i don't know. and i bought plants today, probably to signify life...something that i can't signify anymore.

and i cry every single second. and i bleed every single hour. and i smile as often as i can to make the whole world believe that i am still the same person. rather, that im still a person at all.

and you don't care...

i hate myself. i hate myself so much that the word "hate" is starting to have a life of its own. and its eating me...inch by inch.

and still you don't care...

if i die tomorrow...will you cry? if you knew that you took more than you should from me, would it have made you think twice?

i'm not so sure i would still care to know the answer to that. i'm just waiting for the time to come when i won't have to feel anything anymore. a sweet surrender...

and then, you will cease to matter to me at all...


(illustration by david lupton)

the blower's daughter - damien rice (OST- Closer)

And so it is. Just like you said it would be. Life goes easy on me.
Most of the time.
And so it is. The shorter story. No love, no glory.
No hero in her sky.

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is. Just like you said it should be. We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time.
And so it is. The colder water. The blower's daughter.
The pupil in denial.

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you? Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

a time for cancer

the pain of losing "that someone" is not like a wound that would cause you pain for a while, and after proper cleaning and with proper medicine, would heal and either leave a memory like a scar or none at all. no, the pain of losing "that someone" is like discovering you have cancer.

when you find out that its over - that's when you find out that you do have cancer. its painful but for some reason, the tears, though they continually flow from your eyes -- they have no bodies, nor souls. like drops of rain, they flow . no feeling or in some cases, with a very little feeling of dread. not quite sure how to take the news -- you somehow feel that you'll wake up tomorrow and it will all be a dream. that you do not have cancer. that you didn't just lose him.

then the pain starts to get to you -- physically, mentally and emotionally. it paralyses your entire body. the pain when it comes -- and it comes unannounced, throws you off-balance, down to the floor with your hands over that part that hurts the most -- the heart. you desperately try to breathe through the pain. slowly --- you are able to stand up, regain composure and wipe out any tear that took its own liberty to fall. you sleep soundly. only to be awaken again by the same pain. every single day, the same things happen to you. over and over and over again.

and then you take enough courage and decide to subject yourself to the cure. the daily check-ups, the chemotherapy sessions. the busy schedules you plan ahead for yourself to keep you busy. to drown the misery and to feel numb. just like chemo where you kill fast-growing cancer cells in your body. you have to endure the side effects of the cure. you have the occasional bouts of losing it -- of nausea and vomiting -- all similar side effects of a broken heart. the will to live is slowly ebbing from your being. with each hair loss, with each vomit -- you wish to remove from your being memories of him, of him with you -- of those moments that used to define for you the possibility of forever. you want to drain your body of all that is him and all that you are when you were with him.

its a daily battle. your body is weak but your will continually fights it off, proving that hey, you are okay. and for that moment -- you become okay. until it strikes you again. until it brings you down to the floor once again -- in great pain -- only this time the pain is nothing like you've ever known before. and you curse the gods, and you curse the medicines, the doctors. you curse the pain on every inch of you body. and you cry -- with all your being. with your own body. with your own soul. you cry about all the disappointments. you cry about the hope you once knew. you cry about the silence and how it used to calm you down as long as he's around. you cry about the dreams, the ambitions you had together. the plans you made. you cry about everything and how it turned to nothing. you cry. and yet, its never enough. Pain is sadistic -- once you get to know her, she's not going away. She will tear you down to pieces till you no longer know who you are. Pain, with a smile, will linger with you every second, till you feel that there's no point in fighting -- desolation. you find yourself wanting to quit -- to give it all up.

you don't know yourself anymore, until you take the dive....

OST - My Life

1. leader of the band - dan fogelberg

this still brings tears to my eyes. i used to be a papa's girl. where that girl had gone to now -- i really don't know. i wish to meet her again one day. like they say -- "things you don't know won't hurt you"

2. she - green day

imagine being 15...the questions, the rebellion, the seemingly tight portrayals of what a teenage girl should be --- from elmo backpacks to winnie the pooh shirts -- my head was screaming for release. and then i heard this song from green day's first album "dookie" (which by the way is the best album of green day in my book!) -- BOOM!!! finally, something to calm my nerves ha ha. it also helped that the crush of my life happen to love the same band... which reminds me he hasn't return my cassette tape yet (yes, jurassic times!)..and it's been about ten years already!!! you, jerk!!! (just kidding) hehehe

3. flowers - rivermaya

the pseudo-suicidal tendencies of my teens ...

"nobody answers all her questions,
so she gazes at the skies -
maybe some day when she's all grown up
she'll join them in their lies

and just before she turns away
she crafts a little smile
saying, ' i will take these flowers to the sky'
'someday, i will take these flowers to the sky"

4. if - rivermaya

hmm, another rivermaya song (did i mention that they're my greatest fave local band -- can't believe it's been more than 10 years, guys! being able to experience "dekada" with you and hundreds of other maya fans in araneta was the best way to cap a very meaningful ten years of your music..keep it up!).

this was the very first song i learned to play with my guitar. im a hopeless romantic (isn't it obvious? hehehe) and i'm still looking for someone to sing this song to...with me attempting a decent play with the guitar -- sort of "harana". now, wouldn't that be nice???

5. counting blue cars - dishwalla

6. heart to heart - kenny loggins

a perfect christmas gift...my first break-up (come to think of it -- my break-ups seem to always fall on a holiday, this one christmas -- the other one, my birthday, of all days!). no words to describe this one except --- $#^@!!! but hey, everyone learns. i think i did...i think. =)

7. stay - lisa loeb

the story of my life. do i really need to elaborate??? =P

8. i like for you to be still - pablo neruda, read by glenn close

9. if you forget me - pablo neruda, read by madonna

"everything carries me to you.."

"well now, if little by little, you stopped loving me
i shall stop loving you, little by little

if suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for i shall already have forgotten you."

10. tonight i can write the saddest lines - pablo neruda, read by andy garcia

"i no longer love her, that's for certain, but maybe i love her
love is so short, forgetting is so long.

because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her."

11. someone to watch over me - ella fitzgerald

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." - mr. holland's opus

felt a very strong attachment to the movie and the song. ok, the movie is about a high school music teacher/composer (richard dreyfuss) who for so many years have tried to create his own symphony. frustrated with his creation -- or the lack of it, having a deaf son to whom he can't share his passion for music with and the unexpected temptation in the form of a very young girl student who worships him to the point of him almost ruining his marriage and close to leaving his wife to guide the younger gal in pursuit of her hollywood dreams --- he grew old never realising that those people whose lives he had touched over the years are in fact his own symphony -- his own great "opus".

about the song -- well, i grew up fast. so fast that i've forgotten how it feels to be taken cared of -- to be "watched over". what delight would it bring to feel once more a careless child with the security of a father or a mother or anyone for that matter, walking behind me as i try to take that first step -- with their hands ready always to catch me if i fall?

12. power of two - indigo girls

in my case, "power of three"..leleinah and daria hehehe. the two great people in my life who keeps me balanced - strong yet weak, determined yet doubtful, and uptight yet carefree -- "emotional thinkers". they are always everywhere and nowhere at the same time. we live far apart and close enough to provide space for each other to grow. we've had our trying times -- but the spirit is stronger than any obstacles and in the
end we find ourselves still in sync -- by freaks of nature, by coincidence or plain destiny -- who knows, really?

13. galileo - indigo girls

14. ghost - indigo girls

this is definitely NOT "just another love song". whew!!! this one's heart-wrenching if you listen close enough. speaks the words most can only feel in their hearts and can't seem to find a way to verbalize. amazing how it accurately paints the picture of desolation. but i'm over the guy now...after 8 years hehehe...better late than never.

15. you don't know me - jann arden

now, thanks to "my bestfriend's wedding" -- my illusion of spending the rest of my life with my bestfriend has been blown to pieces -- and i thank the heavens that happened. otherwise, i would have appeared like a lost puppy always looking for its master all my life. illusions -- sometimes they're good, sometimes they're very, very bad.

16. people are people - d'sound

17. tattooed on my mind - d'sound

okay, a room full of more than 10 people. my nerves are wrecked. my voice, all the more. but i managed to finish the song. thanks to a buddy who unexpectedly called me up the stage to sing the song with them -- unprepared!!! and what's worse -- acoustic!!! yes, a disaster -- a very good disaster -- but disaster, nonetheless! ha ha ha at least i can laugh about it now.

18. fall for you - shanice

finding love again..or so i thought. the year is 2005. they say the best way to say how you feel is through a song. the melody, like the beating of the heart, brings life to the words. eventhough we've gone our separate ways...this one will remain in the heart forever. forgive my being cheesy, but hey, everyone needs to be cheesy once in a while -- don't you think? =P

19. blackbird - sarah mclachlan, ost "i am sam"

"blackbird singing in the dead of night,
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise"

20. if i keep my heart out of sight - james taylor

21. fix you - coldplay

i wish you can always down a medicine for every ache that comes to you

22. sa kanya - ogie alcasid original; revival by MYMP

23. all you need is love - OST love actually

its always good to hear a chorus sing. its like a thousand minds agreeing to one thought (now that's a rarity nowadays). plus the slightly upbeat tune make it all the more fascinating to hear. need something to perk you up -- to make you believe once more...try to listen to this one. its worth it.

24. both sides now - joni mitchell, OST love actually

as much as i want to explain what this song evokes in me everytime i hear it -- i fear that the words won't justify the sad magic it brings. let it bring out from you an emotion you can call your own.

Bleed

"teach me how to bleed..."

gunned-down, battered...
i see my lifeless image on the floor
beaten, bloodied and cold,
a stranger to who i once were before
i recognize not my face nor my hands
in the twisted silence i can hear the screams
but never really sure if that's me, if they're mine--
more than ever...

"teach me how to fear..."

hold my cold, cold hands..
feel the shiver course through your veins...
feel the dread of nothingness creep up your face
let it flow --- through your limbs, through your being
feel the dread of tomorrow never coming.

"teach me how not to feel..."

hold my hand, wake me up from oblivion...
look into the depths of my eyes
what do you see? the sunken dark clouds...
covering a much darker place
not a clue, not a hint --- just the feeling of
endless nothing....

"and i see you, and i feel you,
and i fear ever knowing your touch once more;
and then i bleed. sans blood."

07.10.2006