I am . .

I have a new book on my bedside table. It’s about difficult conversations and how to handle them productively. I’m sure, like me, a lot of you have experienced being trapped in conversations you would rather do without or have relationships ruined because you just couldn’t quite express how you really feel. If so, then I am not at all alone. And the good thing is - it’s never too late to learn.

Well, most would simply regard any book on the topic as “self-help”. For some reason, reading such books denotes a negative connotation in our society.

“What is so wrong with you that you need a book to help you out?” And the answer for me is – it can be anything.

For people like me who were not born genius – books are our way of learning aside from interactions with people we know. Just imagine that when you’re reading a book, you are learning from and about someone you haven’t met. And he is teaching you a thing or two about his life – in the hopes of sharing something with you (aside from the most obvious economic benefits, of course).

True enough, every case is unique in some ways. But we do have a lot of common ground to work on. And in some cases, those are enough bases to learn from. And those should be enough to trigger us to analyze our own take on things and to develop our own ideas. And did I say to learn?

When it comes to situations – I rely more on the logical side of things. My own feelings for me have not really been as important as to how the situation should be solved. It’s probably the engineer in me. Everything can be thought of as a system. Therefore, like any system you have the inside and outside forces affecting your feelings or emotions. Learning about these factors presents half of the solution already. A problem identified is a problem half-solved, right? Right.

But it’s important to also understand the forces and to influence them. To do corrective approach to every problem would, of course, mean only a non-ending chase to it. So, what to do? Preventive, of course.

And that’s where “learning” comes in. If you’ve been logical all your life – what should you do to make shift? Yes, that’s right. Try the opposite. Don’t be too scared to acknowledge your emotions, your feelings. Don’t let it overpower you but don’t ignore it either. Hear yourself speak about your emotions. “I feel hurt.” “I am happy” “I am confused.” The words to use to describe how we feel are endless. We just don’t use them properly. We approach things on moral grounds – on who is bad, who is good, who was to blame or who wasn’t. And that’s not really solving the problem but pointing a finger. It is a waste of time to argue or communicate this way because everyone will feel attacked at some point and will use all defenses possible to fight back. And both just lose in the end.

Acknowledge your feelings. They are real. And when you show them, don’t think of who’s right or wrong. Just show them without having to attack the other person. Don’t say “You’ve hurt me”, rather say “what you did hurt me” or “I feel hurt when you do that”. People can change if they want to. You cannot do it for them, Let them decide if they want to. Encourage them if you have to. But don’t take it your responsibility to change them. And don’t believe you actually can, either.

“I Am Sam”, a movie starring Sean Penn and Dakota Fanning shows one of the most wonderful relationships I have ever seen depicted in a movie. It shows how to communicate our feelings. It shows how to acknowledge love and hurt and pain. It shows how we can be more than what we know and what we don’t know. It shows how compassion breaks all barriers.

Please see that movie, if you haven’t. I have seen it for countless times and I can’t help but be emotional EVERY SINGLE TIME! But it’s worth it. More than actually. My take on it – lesson 1 on communications.

http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/i/i-am-sam-script-transcript.html

Balut

“Oo. Puntahan mo lang ako dun. Lagi naman ako nandun. Sa gilid ng tawiran sa Edsa-Shaw.” - Aling Binay, Balut vendor

How many times have you seen sidewalk vendors? I’ve lost count. Every sidewalk in the metro is teeming with them. They have varying age…from someone as young as five years old to others as old as sixty. And that has been their life for how long, you would ask? I don’t really want to know the answer. I’m afraid it will just bring tears to my eyes.

I used to eat balut when I was younger. It’s a eccentric Asian food – a fertilized duck egg with a nearly-developed embryo inside that is boiled and eaten in the shell (Wikipedia). I stopped eating it without even noticing. I probably just never had that chance to eat one again. But looking back, whenever I buy a balut, I never looked at the vendor or even take notice of him or her. The eagerness to hold that warm balut in my hand and the anticipation of eating it is more than enough to capture me at that moment. Everything else disappears, or at least is immaterial.

But last week, my eyes, my ears and my heart showed me more than I was able to see back then. And it struck me, and it made me feel uneasy and it showed me a bigger world than the one I am living in.

How many stories have we seen in the movies focusing on the poor, on their struggles, on their daily battles? There are numerous. There are many that at some point they become unreal. They become just plots in the movie, of a book, of a play. What I was able to witness that one Saturday afternoon is one that I’ve heard of, read of and seen of a lot of times in books, movies and commentaries. But they never really struck me as REAL. They are after all just secondhand information. They are after all, so far from home.

But to see it firsthand, to hear it being said, to be in the same room with the person telling her story – that’s a different thing altogether. Goosebumps, sullen faces, teary eyes, words uttered sans emotions – these things will bring you to a different kind of reality. It brought me there. Her story was no different from those I’ve heard of. In fact, hers was very familiar. From the province, her family tried their luck in the city, lived in the slum areas which were later on demolished. She literally lost her daughter. She never laid eyes on her again since the demolition incident. She heard she got married – at 13. She heard she changed her name, that her husband changed her. “She’s prettier now, is what I heard. I also heard she’s going to Japan”, says Aling Binay.

Will she see her again? Will she be able to embrace her again? She really doesn’t know. She hears about her from acquaintances and friends and relatives, and that’s enough to keep her going in life – to know that her daughter is doing okay. But exactly “how” okay – I have a feeling she’d rather not know.

Reality can be daunting if you stay too close to it. Sometimes we’re looking but we’re not really seeing it for what it is.

So how did my afternoon end? She left the UHF office and was told by one of the staff to visit her younger son this Christmas at the Fabella Center in Mandaluyong. That’s another story, I’m afraid. But for Aling Binay, that was one very happy day because at least she knows where her son is. And she knows he is “doing okay”.

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“Keep swimming, keep swimming” - Dory (Finding Nemo)

On Success and Failure

How many quotations have you heard about success? About failure?

I bet hundreds. There are so many out there you wonder how do we come up with so many ways to communicate the fundamental truths? Failure is what defines success. Its like knowing that there is a white so you can call the opposite the black. Pretty simple, right?

Well, that's just it. I swear I've known this since as far as I can remember. But I can't figure out why I still get surprised at times. The act of failing or losing is not “failure” in itself. It is the “not getting up” after the failure which makes US a FAILURE.

Success and failure are two inseparable things. One can't happen without the other. One can't exist without the other. And its so wrong to say we should be afraid of making mistakes. That would mean we are afraid of eventually succeeding.

Success and failure have been so thought-provoking that even Harvard has come up with its own study on this matter (check out http://bsc.harvard.edu/SuccessFailure/ to know more).

I have my own thoughts on this. But I'll try to gather it for some time, muse over it, and well, present my unsolicited opinion later on (hehehe). But for now, I'll invite you to read about it. Maybe you can share some of your thoughts here? Don't hesitate. I welcome your opinions.

Ciao for now!

my trip back . . .

This is the sad truth about life..."nothing is ever what it seems". People change too quickly, people change to slow. And you feel either like a trainwreck or a lonely hitchhiker with a sore thumb. I'm done asking questions. If there was one thing it taught me, my instinct is my bestfriend. It taught me that keeping my ideals is still the best shot through all these. And that I should never apologize for keeping it real...to continue to wear my heart on my sleeve (now that's a funny thought).

Let's face it. Life is full of disappointments. Its never-ending. Yet there are enough ups to make us strong for the downs. And like my good friend puts it, what differentiates those who still are ok from those who've totally lost their sense of direction, is the fact that you try to live through it...to keep standing still.

This one's the funniest. "Karma will come", said Nina (yes, the soul siren whoa!), and after laughing for quite a while after learning that..I couldn't help but smile. Experience IS the greatest teacher. Don't get me wrong. I'm not after getting even. I just believe that one thing I learned from Atticus Finch. You'll never know how it feels for other people until you've walked around in their shoes. It is best if we can learn to compromise...to extend a little bit of understanding. If not, then that's our loss.

We may feel like we've been a victim of something so wrong and yet there is really no greater way to go about it than moving on and showing the world that we are better people for it. Call it cosmic..or even godly, but things happen and there's no explanation..no justification...but lessons to learn.

"We get what we want, when we can..while we can." I forgot who said that one. But hey, i'm not complaining. Sometimes you surprise your own self when you learn that you can take things you never taught you could..never even imagined you could. And it doesn't make you any lesser. It only redefines your boundaries. With a little faith, you'll live ok.

Watch out. Feel. Think. Never ever hold back. Learn. And love...because no matter how cheesy it may seem to other people...LOVE is everywhere...from tears, to angry words, to stolen kisses to lasting embraces...to everything. And I'll live my life knowing I've loved, and I've been hurt and I'll continue to love till I find the one who can love me right back. And who can wake up each morning with me and decide to stay in love with me every single morning of our lives.

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"What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do - especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road."
-- William Least Heat Moon.

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One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things. - Henry Miller.

Meant To Be Alone

I remember the first film of the trilogy, “lord of the rings”. I watched it with my two guy buddies. That was in Megamall, if I remember it correctly.

Now I sit in front of this near-to-collapsing, secondhand laptop with its monitor detached from the body. And I am staring at my still empty corkboard except for pictures and memorabilia from my last trip in Visayas. I need to write my term paper (hmmm, that sounded a bit nostalgic of my college days) or should I say industry study on software development here in the Philippines. I have my outline with me and yet my Muse seems to be off somewhere…having a blast, I hope not THAT MUCH, or I fear that that would mean she won’t come back for a while. I cannot by any means afford that. This paper is long overdue and with the term coming to an end in less than a month, I need to get my act together or else…hmmm, I wouldn’t want to mention that now. Because that would mean I’m actually acknowledging the possibility that it can happen…hehe =)

Now, back to the “lord of the rings”. “You are the Ring-bearer, Frodo...to bear a Ring of Power is to be alone”, that’s what it says in the card of the lotr cardgame (did I say that right? Sheesh =). Now I wonder and try to remember why I have that card in the first place. Yes, there was the premiere night but I’m not sure if that card was personally handed over to me at the counter or given by one of my buddies. Nevertheless, it raises one’s curiosity, or perhaps just mine, to get such a thought-provoking card. Meant to be Alone. No. 1 card. A boat and a picture of Elijah single-handedly pushing the boat towards the river…to cross to the other side. Now in the movie, Sam comes along, even to the point of drowning just to prove to Frodo that "I made a promise, Mr. Frodo, a promise: 'Don't you lose him Samwise Gamgee', and I don't mean to. I don't mean to." I wonder what would happen if Sam did drown. Would Frodo continue with the journey? What do you think?

But perhaps little details such as this do not compare to the enormity of the entire 3 parts of the movie…but it does leave one into thinking what-if? A lot would probably say that Frodo wouldn’t have been able to resist himself and would succumb to the power of the Ring without the ever-dependable Samwise Gamgee. Some would even wonder who would have been able to save Frodo from the giant spider…or carry him up the mountains?

The brave or the destined is not always that strong. Those who seem powerful are not always able to make it on their own. Every kind of strength is fueled by a weakness each of us hopes to overcome. Every obstacle is just another rope around our neck…cutting the air and in the process teaching our lungs to adjust… to take in more air next time…to expand a little more…to know our own limitations.

Or sometimes, just to get used to it.

Oh, here she is. Just in time. My muse is telling me enough of mindless writing. Its time to write about the boring stuff! =P *wink*

the untamed

"You're lovely, but you're empty," he went on. "One couldn't die for you. Of course an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose, all on her own, is more important than you altogether, since she's the one I've watered. Since she's the one I put under glass. Since she's the one I sheltered behind a screen. Since she's the one for whom I killed the caterpillars (except for two or three for butterflies). Since's she the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she's my rose."

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince

a time for cancer

the pain of losing "that someone" is not like a wound that would cause you pain for a while, and after proper cleaning and with proper medicine, would heal and either leave a memory like a scar or none at all. no, the pain of losing "that someone" is like discovering you have cancer.

when you find out that its over - that's when you find out that you do have cancer. its painful but for some reason, the tears, though they continually flow from your eyes -- they have no bodies, nor souls. like drops of rain, they flow . no feeling or in some cases, with a very little feeling of dread. not quite sure how to take the news -- you somehow feel that you'll wake up tomorrow and it will all be a dream. that you do not have cancer. that you didn't just lose him.

then the pain starts to get to you -- physically, mentally and emotionally. it paralyses your entire body. the pain when it comes -- and it comes unannounced, throws you off-balance, down to the floor with your hands over that part that hurts the most -- the heart. you desperately try to breathe through the pain. slowly --- you are able to stand up, regain composure and wipe out any tear that took its own liberty to fall. you sleep soundly. only to be awaken again by the same pain. every single day, the same things happen to you. over and over and over again.

and then you take enough courage and decide to subject yourself to the cure. the daily check-ups, the chemotherapy sessions. the busy schedules you plan ahead for yourself to keep you busy. to drown the misery and to feel numb. just like chemo where you kill fast-growing cancer cells in your body. you have to endure the side effects of the cure. you have the occasional bouts of losing it -- of nausea and vomiting -- all similar side effects of a broken heart. the will to live is slowly ebbing from your being. with each hair loss, with each vomit -- you wish to remove from your being memories of him, of him with you -- of those moments that used to define for you the possibility of forever. you want to drain your body of all that is him and all that you are when you were with him.

its a daily battle. your body is weak but your will continually fights it off, proving that hey, you are okay. and for that moment -- you become okay. until it strikes you again. until it brings you down to the floor once again -- in great pain -- only this time the pain is nothing like you've ever known before. and you curse the gods, and you curse the medicines, the doctors. you curse the pain on every inch of you body. and you cry -- with all your being. with your own body. with your own soul. you cry about all the disappointments. you cry about the hope you once knew. you cry about the silence and how it used to calm you down as long as he's around. you cry about the dreams, the ambitions you had together. the plans you made. you cry about everything and how it turned to nothing. you cry. and yet, its never enough. Pain is sadistic -- once you get to know her, she's not going away. She will tear you down to pieces till you no longer know who you are. Pain, with a smile, will linger with you every second, till you feel that there's no point in fighting -- desolation. you find yourself wanting to quit -- to give it all up.

you don't know yourself anymore, until you take the dive....